My heart is not a punching bag, and neither is my vagina.

Just kidding.
Not really.

So, i turfed out /drank some of D-bag's sentimental shit wine. I would have drank it all if it weren't all cloudy with sludge. Sadly, i had to toss those in the dumpster.Yep. I did something mean. At the time, I didn't give a shit. Not even a small fart. I didn't give anything. I hoped he'd get mad about it. Thing is, I didn't tell him until last week. Just after we had our "let's leave that behind us" talk.

 So after inquiries about where the 6 bottles of wine were, i started to panic. He hasn't ever been too concerned. After lying for a day or two, I couldn't bare the shame (of lying) so i told him what i did to his bottles. Not good. I should have lied. He said that what i did was "Malice".Which made me laugh because he can't even use the word in a sentence. Yes, what i did was malicious. And delicious. At the time. It was wrong, it was not mine, and I knew exactly what i was doing. He compared it to premeditated murder.Then he told me that i was not sorry enough.

he claims one of the bottles was from his best friend who died. Funny, after 2 years, i had never heard of this best friend who died and left him with a shit bottle of champers. So i asked "who was this best friend?"
i did feel bad..
"Larry"
Larry? You are fucking joking, right? 2 years together, you never mentioned your best fucking friend LARRY who died, and left you with a bottle of 4$ sparkling wine.
Who knows, maybe i wouldn't have cared then either.

I was pretty mad. I won't get into it as that is VERY personal, and if any of you knew what he said and did, you'd have torched his house.

Not sorry enough
I beg to differ.
I'm sorry i didn't toss it earlier.
Sorry i wasted all of my energy.

I want Good Times. Not fight times. Not lay over and play dead times.
Not "watch me watch hockey , play on my iphone, and drink beer times"
Fuck.
i did it to myself.
 Just wonder what the big deal was about him. Oh right, i needed to learn how to respect myself, stand up for myself, and set boundaries. Think i am on a better path. thanks for that life, thanks. He' s probably already spit up on himself, sworn a few times, farted, and called his handicapped friends within the time i've typed this.

 Malice this, dipshit.

Fuck. I can't wait till all these feelings dissolve, writing this stupid shit helps. Strangely. It helps me.

Nut Oil

Free Nut Oil.

This is his lucrative business idea. He gets these wing ding ideas while he drives his UPS truck around Westbank.  He gets a little excitable when he sees all of the wasted fruit and nuts left to rot on the fields and in people's yards. It is wasteful. But what the fuck? What can one household do with 50 pounds of nuts?

Don't get me wrong. I think it is a very wise idea to utilize waste. Waste, is..waste..and a waste is a waste is a waste, and it pisses alot of people off. So if you can eliminate the waste, all the better.

BDF says "I wanna make walnut oil." Good call,  one could utilize all the waste and turn it over for profit- love that thinking (not at all- just seems greedy..but because it is walnuts just going to waste i may back it). So i look online at what it actually entails, making this "walnut oil".

Knowledge.
Equipment.
Business savvy.
Time.
Passion for nut oil.



If I haven't noticed already..no one reads this. No matters. What matters is that I notice I am not in love. I don't love walnuts. I don't love the idea of capitalization. I want to live on a river and bathe outside in a barrel. I don't care if a man will be there or not. I'm tired of compromising my needs and what i want to try to gain out of this whole life experience. This is my life experience. I can't have one. Not while i look up ways to make nut oil for someone who is actually only half assing his actual attempts at making anything.

Note: i may be a sucker. I may not be who i want to be. But i'm making my way. Is it wrong for me to think that everyone feels unsettled? Not satisfied, or perhaps even guilty? Not in the "protestant" way, but guilt as in self betrayal..the sins around us are so addicting.  Fuck all of this

And fuck you too Jail Tomb. I try to help, and all you do is yell.

Valentines

He decided to take me out for dinner. Down for a walk along the water to The Cove. I was curious why he wanted to go to that place, as it is a bit of a hike. Was there a 2-4-1 special? Yes, almost..20% off appies. He said the lounge was lovely. Tv's!

I don't care about that crap anyway.

So we take the hike down, through darkness and mudd. Sadly, I have my womanly moments like "FUCK MY BOOTS ARE FUCKED" as it is all snow and slush. We arrive at the doors, and the place is closed. Power Outage. His response "Fuck, I'm gonna miss the first half.".

Hockey talk.

Oh well, he bought me new pretty under garments.
And as dumb as he is, i love making it with him.